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07 May 2011 @ 05:46 pm
Hi. You don't know me. Well, you might, but in the past he hasn't been above forgetting his kids... literally.

"Nani who?" Did you hear about that one? Probably not. Give it time. "Liam who?"

You saw Laci. Did you look at her? The others, and me, we're all just like her. Two eyes, noses, no cleft pallets or club feet. Fully functional kids and young adults. Just like yours. So I'm curious as to what you think makes you and yours so special.

You said you KNOW him. That my mom, who's known him since he was 16 mind you, doesn't "know the Bill you know". Oh, I beg to differ. She knows him, I know him. Laci idolizes him and it's killing her. The babies don't remember him. But I know him. I know the Bill that took me fishing on weekends, who woke me up to take me hunting with him up north just me and him. The one who dropped me off at school on a Harley one he'd gotten me over my fear, because it was badass. I know the one who made chocolate hobo pies over a fire and took us camping and chased us around with half skinned deer skulls (which is both gross and hilarious). The one who pulled an 8 year old me into his lap and cried on my shoulder like a child when my grandpa died because he'd never been able to apologize for the stupid things he'd done as a teenager. The one who had to ask me to read memos from work for him, which broke my heart even at 12. Who used to sneak down in the basement with the video camera and scare the jeebus out of me and Willie. Who threw fire crackers at us in the yard (parent of the year stuff, but it was FUN). Who carried me on his shoulder to the top of the giant net at Sea World and back down again when I proceeded to freak the fuck out. Who danced with me at his wedding, and called me his daughter. Who, when our house was burning, punched out a basement window and tried to put it out with a garden hose. Who was basically just a big kid, really. I know that man.

I know him well enough to miss him, so much that ten years later it's STILL like a dagger twisting in my chest when I think about him. I also know someone you don't, someone I'm about 99.0% certain you'll get to meet someday. Remember those kids? Have you seen pictures? Remember "Nani who?". Nani was barely two. Noah was 3, Sierra was 4. They were living in a CAMPER in their back yard. Laci was 8, I was 13. The house we'd grown up in was in ashy shambles on the inside. The country was freaking out about terrorism. I know the man who, TWO WEEKS after the house burnt WALKED OUT on his children. Not just my mom. I don't give a god damn rats ASS what you think of my mom, he left his fucking KIDS living in a CAMPER in their yard. I think in the next few months he saw them maybe two or three times. I remember listening to my mom talking to him on the phone, asking him to come see us. I have journal entries about it... "Will he be here for Easter? I won't be going to Renee's if he asks me though..." But he never did... never asked, never showed up. I know the man who's daughter was in an abusive relationship at TWELVE and again at FOURTEEN. Who cut her legs up. Who thought about suicide. Actually, I know two daughters who thought about that.

He didn't leave cause of my mom, you know. Oh, sure, I know their marriage wasn't the best sometimes. But he left so he could get drunk and do cocaine with that bar slut. I knew that when I was 13, I didn't need my mom to tell me. He asked me once, after him and mom fought we were sitting outside at night and he asked me, "Nik, do you think I drink too much?" I said no right away, because I didn't want him to feel bad. I HATED when he felt bad, when anyone felt bad.

I don't think I saw him again for years... two, maybe? I know that when I knew he was upstairs, I sat down in the basement until I had no choice. I refused to look at him. I set my schoolbooks on the table and intended to glare him down and be on my way to bed. I glanced at him, barely, and burst into tears. I wasn't even a little angry any more.

It's like that, I know Laci had the same reaction the other day. You can't know what it's like, to hate someone so much, but somehow you're still so DESPERATE for them to give you some hint that they love you. That they feel ANYTHING when they think about how they left. And to be my babies... for them to know that their father didn't even remember they existed??

I love him, he's the only father I ever really knew, excluding my grandpa. So many of my favorite memories as a kid were because of him, and the life I had when he was around. Looking back, it feels more like a dream than my life, more like a movie I watched once than something I lived. I hate him for leaving. He's the worst kind of man. But I would give ANYTHING in the world to have him back as my father. How sick is that?

I pity him, that he doesn't know his kids. They are amazing. I would walk over shards of glass (he once had to pin my leg down to pull glass from my foot... I was hysterical, and he didn't even get frustrated. I once had to pull copper out of his eye. I guess that made us even) and bathe my cuts in salt if it meant they would have happy lives. They've been through too much, even if they don't remember it. They're funny, some of the quirkiest CHARACTERS I've ever met. Shyann is all over-dramatics and sarcasm. Noah's a big goof, and about the most helpful kid anywhere. Sierra is kind and curious, and totally weird in a really awesome way. Laci is tough, and funny, and unique, which sounds cliche but is the only way to describe her. They are wonderfully infuriating, and incredibly awesome. My whole world. I pity him that he'll never know them, it's his life that'll be the worse for it. He's missing out more than he can imagine.

I hope he never does to his newest son what he did to his other five (four, if I no longer count). I hope Liam never has to feel like I do, like Laci and the babies do. It's terrible. It's painful, and then you feel stupid because why should you miss this man that is so horrible? My boyfriend doesn't understand it. No one else who knows understands it. We should hate him. I hope Liam never understands. As jealous as I am of him, and I can admit that, I pity him and I hope he never knows what it's like for your father not to want you. Not to even REMEMBER you.

No one deserves that, ever.
 
 
23 April 2011 @ 12:09 pm
Read through some old articles. I was incredibly dramatic. All teenagers are like this, yes? Tell me yes so I can feel good about myself, haha.
 
 
20 December 2007 @ 10:19 pm
My first journal entry since APRIL. Damn. But I refuse to let this die, because it's been chronicaling my life for what... four years now?

However, it is late. And I'm still at Great Lakes Air, and many things have happened. And I do not have the time for them tonight because I work early.

A question, should anyone see this...Angel that Fell, where did you go? I moved and was internet-less for a bit, and now you have dissapeared? *sadness*
 
 
27 April 2007 @ 06:08 pm
I'm tired as hell, yo.

I'm not used to getting up early anymore, I guess. But you know what? It's so awesome to have a job I like going to. One where, yea, I'm tired as heck, but it's okay, because I actually WANT to be there. And I'm not in agonizing pain when I get home. And I'm totally independent... like, "Hey, I'm going to lunch now." and "See ya later, I'm outta here." without waiting for someone to be like "Okay, your turn." Or whatever. I like it, a lot. 40 hours there seems like half of 15 at Best Buy.

Which I'm still working at, and the 6 day weeks suck, but I need the money. But tomorrow I'm supposed to interview at the Disney store, which would be cool, but it's a hell of a drive. So I don't know if I'm gonna actually go or not. I'd be able to quit Best Buy... but with getting an apartment.. well, my discount will come in handy. And I'll be quitting ASAP anyway. So I donno.

I guess that's all. Quick update, since I don't have a lot to say. Ever.

Dasvidanya.

PS - I have a new celebrity crush. Rami Malek is absolutely smexy. He's in my new favorite movie, Night at the Museum (so cute), as the mummy. *hugsquishglompsmoochkissyface*
 
 
30 March 2007 @ 11:27 pm
So, I got a call today from the guy at the Great Lakes Air place where I interviewed. And they wanna know when I can start. Yes. It's full time, and I'll only be making $8 an hour, but they pay for medical and dental (or maybe vision, I forget which), and after 90 days they do the review thing and I get a raise. And it's 40 hours, plus she said there's almost always overtime. And I won't have to stand on my feet all day, so maybe my heels will start to get better. Which might help my neck/back/shoulders. It's 8am - 5pm, with a lunch from 12-1.

I'm also still interviewing for the BB job, but I don't think I'll get full time there, because I haven't been there as long as some of the other people. So I won't take it, unless they can work me one day a week or so cause it would be kinda cool to work two jobs for a little while, just to get some money saved up. And then I'd still have my discount ^__^.

I guess that's all. Ciao!

PS - "Stand Out" from A Goofy Movie is a fun song.
 
 
Mood: cheerfulcheerful
Music: Stand Out - A Goofy Movie
 
 
 
27 March 2007 @ 10:44 pm
Important things first: Do any of you remember Raffi? I'm a loser, and I just downloaded about 7 Raffi songs. Raffi is half my childhood, seriously. I watched the video I had about 20 times a day. Him and the TV show Frank Patelli or whatever that was on Nick Jr. that no one remembers. Good times, yo.

Secondly, apparently, March is job month in my life. I applied at the Disney Store a bit ago, but they weren't hiring, only taking apps. Applied and had an interview at Great Lakes air last Wednesday. Best Buy is changing their Ops system, so there are two new positions in the company. One is a receptionist type thing.. answering phones and taking orders and such. The other is a Customer Assistant. Where, you take a 7 week training course, learn every department and then you chill on the sales floor, taking care of customers that come through and need help and such. And you get a walkie, neato. Plus, my mom was talking to this lady about the house today, and the lady asked if my mom needed a job, they wanted a receptionist. She said no, but her daughter would love it. So, the lady asked for me to come in and talk to them at Century 21. Whoot.

That's all for now. Except Malaia is almost due, and when she was laying on the floor today, you could see little jolts in her belly when the babies were moving. Like... HUGE jolts, it was funny. I can't wait. And I need to find an apartment.
 
 
Mood: cheerfulcheerful
Music: Raffi - Brush Your Teeth
 
 
23 March 2007 @ 09:35 pm
So, because I never grew up, I role play online. And on three or so HP sites, I play Pansy Parkinson. Well, to get on these sites, you have to apply, and write up their history, personality, and create all kinds of stuff for them. So, I'm checking out another site, and I go to read the profile of the Pansy they already have. Whoever applied as her STOLE everything I had written for Pansy on the other sites. Personality, History, even her parents NAMES. Word for word.

Granted, this is a silly little childish RP thing, but YEESH. I put a lot of thought into those applications. You don't see a lot of Pansy, and you have to come up with WHY she acts that way, what she's like with her friends, how she grew up....yadda yadda. And some bitch totally ripped off everything I created for her.

So, I'm a bit irked.

Laugh if you must, I realize I sound a little silly. I feel a little silly. But I'm actually very annoyed.
 
 
Mood: aggravatedaggravated
 
 
19 March 2007 @ 09:33 pm
Today, I was walking into work. It was one o'clock. As I'm rounding the side of the building, this guy approaches me. He says, "You have a pretty smile."

This was odd for a few reasons:

1. This guy was at least 30, give or take a few years.
2. I don't have a pretty smile. My smile sucks.
3. I was walking into a job in RETAIL. You don't smile in that situation. I was not smiling.

I said thank you, he said his name was Bill. I said Hi, I'm Nikky. He asked what I did for fun, I said I didn't know. He said, "How 'bout I give you my number and we can party sometime?" I said, "Sorry, I have a boyfriend."

He wished me a good day, and was on his way. And I went to work. Which, by the way, was less sucky today than usual.
 
 
Mood: boredbored
Music: Forgive Me - Evanescence
 
 
01 March 2007 @ 12:23 am
So, it's late and I have to work tomorrow, but I guess I can get in a quick update, cause I wanna.

Things are looking up lately, and I'm pretty excited about it. My mom let Draco come home til I get an apartment, which is looking like it will be soon. My tax return is big, and my car was just sent out to be fixed. I have 30hrs at work next week, and yea, I hate my job, but I need the money, and the sick-to-my-stomach thing is kinda wearing off a little. Yea, my mom is still losing the house...but I don't think that is ever really going to sink in. And Christine threw away my puppy [I was in hysterics for about two hours, until I cried myself to sleep and woke up feeling like SHIT], but I can beat her ass later. [Let's all laugh at THAT funny vision. Me, fighting, haha.]

With new taxes on hand, I can apply for financial aid, get my GED [sigh], and FINALLY start college. Which I'm excited about...I really do adore learning new things. Except math. My mom found a place that does feet-pain stuff, and said she wants to take me there cause they were talking about one of the things, and it causes the heel pain, tension in the neck and shoulders, plus the headaches and back pain that I get. So...relief! I'm pretty happy about that, you have NO idea how bad my feet actually bother me. It's getting hard to walk, and my shoulders have been so bad it wakes me up.

To top it all off, RENT is a week from today. Whoot.
 
 
Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
 
 
08 February 2007 @ 10:40 pm
One: I HATE MY JOB. No reason. The pay is great, the people are nice, and there is a strong possibility I'll be getting a $500 bonus for having so little theft in the store lately. But I can't stand it. I feel sick when I know I have to go into work, and when I'm there I just want to stand there and cry all day. For no reason. I just hate it, and it's not getting better like I thought it would.

Two: I am totally, completely addicted to World of Warcraft. Don't laugh at me. I sat down to play the trial John got from Darren, and I played for 6 hours straight. It's ADDICTING. And I haven't even met up with any friends or Jenn from work yet. I just love it. And you should play it, too. So we can be dorky buddies. It's seriously such a cool game. Like woah. And I don't even really like video or computer games. Except DDR, Buffy, and the Sims. And Mario. But this is sweet.